Diary or what? I don't know... Confession of my feeling two days after the Valentine's day in 2009

I'm so in love with her. But I don't know what to do.

She is a friend of my ex-girlfriend who died in the summer of 2006. My ex-girlfriend killed herself by taking too much hypnotic drug to wake up again. She tried it a few times before she really went to the heaven. But I didn't know her such situation when I met her last time one week before her death because I couldn't get in touch with her so many times for the busyness of my work. In the last date, she expalained to me that she broke up with her boyfriend and her mental state was not very good and consulted to a psychiatrist. She looked so weak mentally and physically. We went to see a movie which was the first plan of our date and then went to an aquarium. I didn't have any persistence in going there, but it was one of the last days when my membership card expired and I knew she liked to see animals, especially penguins. But this whole plan of dating was not good to her at all. The contents of the movie, which attacked the hero's mental weakness, may have been harsh to her, and the aquarium was the place she visited with her broken-up boyfriend a few months ago. She mumbled it to me but didn't reject visiting for her kindness (or weakness). The aquarium was a little crowded with children released from the busy school life for summer vacation. We couldn't see many tanks with calmness, but I remember she said, "looks delicious," looking hundreds of sardine and a few tuna whirling in the round tank. We sat down on a bench situated in front of the penguin presentation in a dim room, and hugged and kissed a little worrying about people's eyes... After the aquarium, we moved to a food court next to the aquarium building. I ate burgers but she ate nothing but dipping-dots (small round icecream). After the late lunch, we sat on the seaside bench and talked. She was not talkative but seemed thinking about the same thing and looked so weak. I wanted to be with her more but I knew the time to get her home. We took the subway and took her hand to the railway station. We parted under the stairs which lead to the platform of my train. I went up the stairs and looked down the stairs. She had been looking at my back and then she was looking up my face with an apathetical face. I waved my hand to her, and she waved hers back and walked to her platform. I can't forget her face at that moment and her small appearance standing alone downstairs. After her death, I had to pass the spot many times to go to my company. Even now I regret I didn't follow her even though it didn't mean anything. One week later, I got a mail on my cell phone from her address, but the writer was not her but her younger sister. She noticed me her death and invited me her wake and funeral. I've seen her once at her house in 2004. She remembered me and sent the message to me. I had a second visit to her hometown for her wake but I couldn't go to her funeral held on the next day. In Japan, "boyfriend" is not a socially established position, and furthurmore I was an ex. It was enough unbearable for me to see her crying mother and sister before her coffin. Before leaving the ceremony hall, I talked to her broken-up boyfriend and cheered him up. It was a hot summer day. There're drops of tears on my face and sweat under my mourning suit on my way back to the station. I had to pass through the Kintetsu line ticket gate where we always parted at the end of dates.

My ex-girlfriend showed me some pictures when we're still going on. On those pictures, she was always there and she was the best friend of hers. When I looked at a picture, I even said she was sexier than my ex-girlfriend though she was 17 and my ex was 19. After my ex's death, I had a chance to meet her at the beginning of 2007. I don't know why she approved it, but I speculate she worried about me. We met at Tokyo, walked around the Emperor's house, and went to buy some books at Jinbocho famous for secondhand bookstores. She was mild, smelled good, concealed her emotion coming from her exotic breeding (France) under a Japanese girl appearance. The expression was different but the essential nature was the same as my ex-girlfriend. I may say she was a little more controlled and balanced probably because of her parents' discipline and education. We didn't do any special things in the day, but I was so relieved by her existence. One month after, I confessed my love by email to her who went back to England for her school. I don't know how I could do it in what tone of voice (sentence) but I did. After some time, a week or so, she wrote me back, saying that I was her best friend's ex-boyfriend, so she felt me like her older brother and that she got her first and Chinese boyfriend there after he confessed his love to her. And she continued if things did not happen in this order, she might have fallen for me. I don't know if she just expressed her kindness or truth.

The last year, 2008, I quit my job for a company (I mentioned it below), and went to Europe to learn French and traveled around. I stayed in France for seven weeks, where she had been living. When I arrived at Paris, she was about to go to Japan for internship. She was too busy in preparation to meet me. She keeps a blog. So I commented my jeremiad on her blog. She laughed it away and finished her reply with bisous. In the seven week stay in France, I got to know some girls but somthing prevented me from making an intimate relationship with those girls. I don't know if it's due to my age, my experience, or simply my nature.

I respect and envy her because she brought up in France and has a language proficiency that can never be obtained by the Japanese who're raised in Japan like me. But at the same time, I feel sympathy at her effort to become a Japanese, partly under the order of her mother. I love the strength and weakness of her duality and her gushing emotion coming from her unbalance. I also feel if I can live with her, my ex-girl friend is there too. I don't know how she feels my way of thinking. Women's thoughts are never in my hands. But for now I think she's shutting me out not entering her mind although she gives me replies and comments.

Morita Doji, "Samishii Kumo (Sorrowful Cloud)"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cm2kV8UxeUs

Itsumo Kimi no Ato kara
(Always after you)
Nagai Kage wo Funde
(Stepping on your long shape)
Itumo Kimi no Ato kara
(Always after you)
Tsuite Yukitai
(I wanna follow you)
Doko e Yuku Atemo naku
(With no destination)
Bokutachi wa Yoku Aruita yone
(We always walked around)
Natsu no Machi no Yugure doki wa
(At the sunset in the summer street)
Nakitai hodo Samishikute
(Sorrowful enought to weep)
Boku Hitori dewa
(All by myself)
Totemo Yatte yuke so mo naiyo
(I'll not be able to live)

Kimi no Sukina Misesu Carmichael
(Your favorite Mrs. Carmichael)
Boku mo Ii to Omou yo
(I like her too)
Natsuyasumi ga Owattara
(After the summer vacation)
Mo Aenaku naru ne
(We can't meet her)
So shitara Tokidoki
(Then sometimes)
Natsukashii Misesu no Hanashi wo Shiyo yo
(Let's talk about the missing Mrs.)
Natsu no Machi no Yugure doki wa
(At the sunset in the summer street)
Nakitai hodo Samishikute
(Sorrowful enought to weep)
Kimi Hitori dewa
(All by yourself)
Totemo Yatte Yuke so mo naikara
(You'll not be able to live)

Doko e Yuku Atemo naku
(With no destination)
Bokutachi wa Yoku Aruita yone
(We always walked around)
Natsu no Machi no Yugure doki wa
(At the sunset in the summer street)
Nakitai hodo Samishikute
(Sorrowful enought to weep)
Boku Hitori dewa
(All by myself)
Totemo Yatte yuke so mo naiyo
(I'll not be able to live)

Morita Doji, "Kimi to Samishii Kaze ni Naru (Becoming a Lonely Wind with You)"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wdx-mLAnY24

Ashita ni Nareba Dono yoni
(When tomorrow comes)
Boku wa Kimi wo Aisu daro
(How do I love you)
Toki wa Mijikaku
(Time flies)
Bokutachi wa motto Mijikai
(We flies faster)
Katachi no nai Ai wa
(Formless love)
Itsumo Boku wo Surinuke te
(Always slips me through)
Itsuka Futari wa
(Some day the two)
Samishii Kaze ni Naru
(Become a lonely wind)

Ashita ni nareba Bokutachi wa
(When tomorrow comes)
Hitori Doshite Ikiru daro
(How do we live alone)
Kimi ga Inai Kono Asa wa
(This morning without you)
Motto Samishii
(I feel lonelier)
Katachi no nai Ai wa
(Formless love)
Itsumo Boku wo Surinuke te
(Always slips me through)
Itsuka Hitori de
(Some day I'll be)
Samishii Kaze ni Naru
(A lonley wind)

Morita Doji, "Min'na Yume de Arimashita (It Was All Dream)"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N4RaoKh7K2w

Ano Jidai wa Nandatta no Desuka
(What was that age?)
Ano Tokimeki wa Nandatta no Desuka
(What was that excitement?)
Min'na Yume de Arimashita
(It was all dream)
Min'na Yume de Arimashita
(It was all dream)
Kanashii hodo ni Arinomama no
(Sorrowfully true ourselves)
Kimi to Boku ga Koko ni Iru
(You and I exist here)

Boku wa mo Kataranai Daro
(I will not speak any more)
Bokutachi wa Utawanai Daro
(We will not sing any more)
Min'na Yume de Arimashita
(It was all dream)
Min'na Yume de Arimashita
(It was all dream)
Nanimo nai kedo Tada Hitamuki na
(With nothing but passion)
Bokutachi ga Tatteita
(We're all standing there)

Campus dori ga Honoh to Moeta
(The campus street fired)
Are wa Ame no Kinyobi
(That was the rainy Friday)
Min'na Yume de Arimashita
(It was all dream)
Min'na Yume de Arimashita
(It was all dream)
Me wo Tojireba Kanashii Kimi no
(With my eyes closed)
Waraigawo ga Miemasu
(I can see your sorrowful smile)

Kawagishi no Muko ni Bokutachi ga Iru
(We're beyond the bank of a rive)
Kaze no Naka ni Bokutachi ga Iru
(We're in the wind)
Min'na Yume de Arimashita
(It was all dream)
Min'na Yume de Arimashita
(It was all dream)
Mo Ichido Yarinaosu nara
(If we can start ove our life)
Don'na Ikikata ga Aru daroka
(How can it be?)

Kaguyahime, "Okitegami (Letter Left)"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7QWIE7yuz5o
(Music & Lyrics: Ise Shozo)

Kimi wa mada Takusan no
(Holding many paper bags)
Kamibukuro wo Kakaeta mamade
(In your arms)
Kono Tegami Yonde Iru daro
(You'll be reading this letter)
Korede Saigo no Otoko no Kimagure toshite
(This will be the last men's caprice)
Dokoka Sokora no Mado kara
(To be thrown out from an window)
Kimi tonara Issho ni Kurashita katta
(I would have lived with you)
Hutari de Itsumo Tachidomatte Shimau
(At the house where we always stopped over)
Ano Akai Renga no Uchi de
(With red bricks)
Lun Lun Lulululu Lululu

Kyo no Samishisa wa Kaze ni Gomakasare te
(Today's loneliness is swung by the wind)
Itsumademo Kieso mo nai
(But it will remain forever)

Boku no Hon no Hitokoto ga
(With a few words of mine)
Mada Hatachi mae no Kimi wo
(You, still underage)
Kon'nani Kurushimeru nante
(How suffered)
Dakara Yuku Saki wa
(So, my destination)
Boku no Tomodachi ni Kiite kure
(Please ask my friend)
Kimi ni Awanaide Yuku kara
(I'll go without seeing you)
Imagoro wa Boku mo Mata Mukashi no Yo ni
(Now, as it used to be)
Dokoka no Machi no Cafe Terasu de
(At an open cafe in a city)
Biru demo Nonde Iru daro
(I'll be drinking a beer)
Lun Lun Lulululu Lululu

Kimi ga Kaeru Koro wa Yugure Doki
(It'll be a dusk when you come home)
Heya no Akari wa Tsuketa mamade
(I'll leave the room light on)

Kaguyahime, "Nagori Yuki (Lingering Snow)"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wrcOG-q_OW8
(Music & Lyrics: Ise Shozo, Sang by Kawashima Ai & Minami Kosetsu)

Kisha wo Matsu Kimi no Yoko de
(Beside you waiting for a train)
Boku wa Tokei wo Kinishiteru
(I had to see a clock)
Kisetsu Hazure no Yuki ga Hutteru
(We're haveing unseasonal snow)
Tokyo de Miru Yuki wa
("The snow I can see in Tokyo")
Kore ga Saigo ne to
("This will be the last time")
Samishi so ni Kimi ga Tsubuyaku
(You sadly mumbled)
Nagoriyuki mo Huru Toki wo Shiri
(Lingering snow knows when to fall)
Huzake Sugita Kisetsu no Ato de
(After the too playful season)
Ima Haru ga Kite Kimi wa Kirei ni Natta
(Now spring has come and you got beautiful)
Kyonen yori Zutto Kirei ni Natta
(You're much more beautiful since last year)

Ugoki Hajimeta Kisha no Mado ni
(On the window of the moving train)
Kao wo Tsukete Kimi wa Nanika
(You faced and tried to)
Io to Shite Iru
(Say something)
Kimi no Kuchibiru ga Sayonara to
(Your lips moving as "good-by")
Ugoku Koto ga Kowakute
(With fear of it)
Shita wo Muiteta
(I was looking down)
Toki ga Yukeba Osanai Kimi mo
(As the time goes, you grown up)
Otona ni Naru to Kizukanai mama
(I didn't notice the fact)

Ima Haru ga Kite Kimi wa Kirei ni Natta
(Now spring has come and you got beautiful)
Kyonen yori Zutto Kirei ni Natta
(You're much more beautiful since last year)

Kimi ga Satta Homu ni Nokori
(Standing on the platform where you just left)
Ochite wa Tokeru Yuki wo Miteita
(I was looking at the snow falling and melting)

Ima Haru ga Kite Kimi wa Kirei ni Natta
(Now spring has come and you got beautiful)
Kyonen yori Zutto Kirei ni Natta
(You're much more beautiful since last year)